In lieu of a column on whether attempting to bunt during an opposing pitcher’s no-hit bid constitutes bad etiquette, I give you scattered thoughts…
Well, my summer plans are officially shot now that reality TV star Jesse James has called off his August wedding to tattoo artist Katherine von Drachenberg, a.k.a. Kat Von D. I only hope Men’s Wearhouse is willing to relax its 30-day tuxedo return policy.
Nevertheless, after carefully studying the relationship I’ve concluded both parties are at fault.
First, James clearly violated the fundamental rule of matrimony: Never propose to a girl with “Slutallica” tattooed on her back.
By the same token, if you’re Von D, don’t you think twice about tying the knot with someone whose Wikipedia entry includes a section titled “Family, Relationships and Infidelity”?
Payoffs, match-fixing, illegal gambling and rampant hooliganism — how can you not love soccer?
Already this year scandals have rocked premier leagues in Mexico, Greece, Turkey, South Korea and Zimbabwe. Heck, even FIFA, the sport’s international governing body, got into the act when it recently slapped Asian Football Conference president Mohamed bin Hammam with a lifetime ban for bribery.
For his replacement, I hear they’re considering Rupert Murdoch.
Anyway, my favorite allegation of malfeasance comes from Italy, where investigators suspect players from a team in Cremona were drugged ahead of a match last year against rival Paganese. The best part is, despite Ambien-flavored Gatorade, they still won!
I’m guessing Michelle Obama won’t be asked to deliver the keynote address at next year’s World Potato Congress in Edinburgh, Scotland.
After all, it was the first lady who made headlines for her support of McDonald’s decision to reduce the French fry content of its Happy Meals in favor of apples.
There’s only one problem: They’re called Happy Meals, not Healthy Meals. Besides, how many 8-year-olds are pleading with Mom for more dietary fiber?
Let’s be honest folks, the only Apples kids care about end in Pod or Tunes.
And finally, sincerest condolences to Steve Williams — the $9 million golf caddie who was abruptly jettisoned by longtime employer Tiger Woods. In an interview with the New Zealand Herald last month, Williams lamented “wasting the last two years of my life because [Tiger’s] played infrequently, he’s been injured and played poorly.”
OK, now just imagine for a moment what Williams’ life might look like if he’d never hooked up with Woods.
