In lieu of a column imploring President Obama to bail out the L.A. Dodgers, I give you scattered thoughts…
The net worth of my once-vaunted baseball card collection continues its downward spiral as pitching great Roger Clemens prepares to stand trial for perjury. At issue is whether the seven-time Cy Young award winner lied to Congress when, in 2008, he denied taking steroids during his 23-year career.
Clemens’ defense will focus on discrediting the hurler’s former trainer, Brian McNamee, who insists he injected his client with performance-enhancing drugs. In fact, McNamee has already provided investigators with syringes and gauze pads that contain a cocktail of Clemens’ DNA and PEDs.
The defense’s claim: that McNamee manufactured the evidence years earlier in order to blackmail Clemens into offering him a job. Sounds plausible. And if I were Clemens, I’d probably push for a change of venue… somewhere in Florida, perhaps.
Tiger Woods is back! Well, sort of. While the Putting Paramour announced he’s skipping this year’s British Open, he has returned to the endorsement circuit, recently agreeing to a three-year deal to promote a Japanese heat rub that relieves muscle and joint pain.
Company officials declared that Woods, “with his No. 1 accomplishment as a golfer and his overwhelming presence, matches the promotional direction of the Vantelin Kowa series.”
Haven’t the poor Japanese suffered enough? (Shaking head)
OK, show of hands: When you saw last Friday’s headline — Slimy invasion plagues Jersey Shore — who else thought we were in for a very special episode of the hit MTV show? (You know, the one where Snooki finally sits down and has “the talk” with her Mom.)
Turns out it was just a beach infestation of jellyfish-like creatures. Sigh.
Can we PLEASE get a collective bargaining agreement for the NFL already?
It’s not enough that players can’t stay out of trouble for five minutes while on hiatus from team-sanctioned activities… But now the absurdity has reached a new low. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett.
In the midst of a recent traffic stop, Dockett decided it would be really super to treat his 70,000 Twitter followers to a running account of the incident (as well as a great PSA for the kids). Among his pronouncements:
“I don't know why the police always messing w/me I'm never gonna let them search my car with out a search warrant! No matter what!”
Thank you, Darnell, for proving once again that parents, teachers and churches don’t have all the answers.