In lieu of a column on Monday Night Football giving us another five years of Jon Gruden and his excruciating color commentary (thanks guys!), I give you scattered thoughts…
Aren’t we all lucky to have someone like Dick Durbin in our lives?
The No. 2 ranking Democratic Senator (who’s No. 1 in our hearts) recently called on the baseball players union to outlaw chewing tobacco during the World Series, which began this week.
Durbin, you see, is among a small group of politicians and health officials who fear that dip-spitting ballplayers are likely to propel our nation’s youth toward a life of Skoal-fueled depravity.
“When players use smokeless tobacco,” they wrote in letters to the union, “they endanger not only their own health, but also the health of millions of children who follow their example.”
It’s comforting to know that in the absence of mommies and daddies, a liberal politician who was accused of insider trading on the eve of the 2008 Wall Street collapse has decided to protect our kids from the ills of our National Pastime.
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It’s not easy to find good news on the NBA front these days, but one item out of Philadelphia has provided a measure of satisfaction.
The hometown 76ers received an infusion of hip-hop flavor this month when an investment group that includes Will Smith bought the team from Comcast-Spectacor. With all due respect to my friends in the Keystone State, I’ve never been happier to live 2,715 miles away from an American city.
If and when the NBA does resume, who’s taking bets as to how quickly Smith’s 10-year-old daughter Willow performs the National Anthem, appears on the Jumbotron or proposes her first trade?
Or how about son Jaden, who already has five movie credits to his name despite only recently becoming acquainted with puberty?
In fact, I understand the Smiths are in pre-production for their own reality series, “Project Nepotism.”
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I need to find a new radio station to wake up to … and fast.
The trusty digital-readout Timex has been trained on AM 710, the ESPN affiliate here in Los Angeles, for as long as I can remember. It’s mainly because I enjoy the morning show host and his sardonic blend of sports information and general mockery of modern society and culture.
I guess you could say he’s a role model. (My apologies, Mr. Trump, but that ship sailed when you abandoned your bid for the White House. Ahh, what fun we could have had…)
Anyway, the folks at 710 have decided to torment yours truly by running the same damn ad at the exact same time for the past 8 weeks. Which means that if I have to listen to Janette Langer from Langer’s Deli at the corner of 7th and Alvarado ask me one more time — “What are you having for lunch today? How about our famous No. 19: hot pastrami, Swiss cheese, cole slaw and Russian dressing piled high on our freshly baked rye with a crispy crust?” — I’m bound to start taking hostages.
Look, I have no doubt the No. 19 is delicious. But just once I’d like to wake up to Mrs. Langer’s unaffected monotone voice recommending something — anything — else. Just so long as it comes with extra soy sauce.
