In lieu of a column on how many college football bowl games I can watch before my retinas secede from the rest of my central nervous system, I give you scattered thoughts…
Sexual harassment lawsuits are low-hanging fruit (no pun intended) for columnists, which is why yours truly typically doesn’t cover them. However, a recent news item out of Oakland warrants closer examination.
It was revealed this week that Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis has been sued by a former team employee for allegedly sending her dozens of unwanted text messages that included suggestive overtures and … wait for it … pictures of his genitalia.
Maybe I’m behind the times here, but it sure sounds like I’m wasting $30 a month on flowers when the way to a woman’s heart clearly involves hitting ‘send’ on a portrait of your package.
But wait, it gets better. In an effort to bolster their case, the accuser’s attorney told reporters this week that his client rebuffed Ellis’ advances and was afraid that no one would believe her.
Excuse me? Don’t you have a smoking gun?
If Kim Jong-il was North Korea’s “Dear Leader” does that make his son, Kim Jong-un, the “Un-Leader”?
It was one of the stranger e-mails I’d received in a while — which is saying something, considering I’d just deleted one from a Canadian pharmacy inviting me to “show them how large you are.”
(Who exactly is “them”? And why am I sharing my enormity with multiple parties?)
Anyway, the message was forwarded to me the other day from a colleague, and the subject line read simply: Free Male Alpaca (North Hills)
Evidently this particular beast had worn out its welcome in the heavily suburban San Fernando Valley and needed to be re-homed ASAP.
So naturally, I wrote the seller:
I am intrigued by your posting — could you tell me more? What is his overall disposition? Does he have any health problems? Approximately how old is he (and how do you know this)? Can he perform any tricks? Does he respond to commands (or just food, as your picture shows him devouring a carrot)? What sorts of activities does he enjoy? What is his approximate life-expectancy? Are alpacas generally considered good eating?
I may know someone who is interested.
I have yet to hear back.
I was somewhat saddened to hear that Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd had been arrested by Homeland Security officials last week after attempting to organize a citywide drug distribution ring.
The coup de grace, apparently, came when Hurd told an undercover agent that he was already doling out $100,000 worth of cocaine per week and, he was very sorry, but the amounts the agent was hoping to move simply weren’t enough.
“Hey, I’ve gotta feed my family,” he may have told investigators.
But if you ask me, law enforcement once again missed the mark. You see, it could take months, possibly years, to sort through the legal quagmire that is Chicago’s criminal justice system. And Lord only knows how much more complicated it can get for a narcotics charge.
Instead, they should have gone after him for embezzlement — because the real crime here is that the Bears last summer gave Hurd, who had never caught more than 20 passes a season, a three-year contract worth $5.1 million.
Happy holidays everyone.